There are days when I’m just so tired of the pain.
I apologize for it a lot. I don’t whine about it much. Really.
In an earlier post, I explained more about my situation. My attitude, and guilt. And my renewed determination to find some answers, to stop the chronic pain.
If it was just not every day…
Ordinarily I take refuge in the beautiful: the color, the shear presence of nature when the discouragement hits. But the colors were just too damn cheerful.
On Monday I had a slight problem with a little overdose. Dr. cut the “prevention plan” dosage by half after that. It was a bit of a trip. And the whole office got to witness, dang it. A coworker had to drive me down to the nearest nurse to make sure my elevating blood pressure leveled. It did. Then whole office knew. Ah privacy, how you allude me at times.
It was annoying. Not catastrophic. A little disconcerting to feel my heart rate steadily increase while my vision blurred. But mostly it was self-pity. A “here we go again” piss and moan.
I’m trying not to whine. I think it probably sounds like it though. (Okay, so it definitely sounds like it.) I’m throwing this out into the ether of the internet world, in an effort to spare coworkers, unsuspecting patrons in the pain reliever aisle, and Facebook users. I’m sorry if you caught it, but hang with me – there is a point to this little whine.
When I walked into the gym tonight, I saw an announcement on the bulletin board for Jarrett’s memorial service (also a previous post). And felt immediately chagrined. Yea, my pain is tough to deal with. But it’s small potatoes compared with Jarrett’s all-too-short battle. And Jess’ on-going battle as she fights to keep her transplanted liver viable. And little Aiden, without his sister, grinning widely through the trach treatments.
As I watched my heart rate on the stair-climb monitor, the words of my semi-conscious mantra became crystal-clear. Each syllable pounded through my head with every foot fall: “thank – You – for – my – bo-dy. thank – You – for – my – life.”
It’s good to be reminded. So this isn’t a “so sorry D, hope you feel better” moment. Rather, be reminded with me.
Thank you for life. Thank You.